Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
But other times I let her sleep in.
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Q: Why can't women read maps?
A: Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna replies, that's where I put him to dry !"
Q: Why did God invent yeast infection?
A: So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying c*nt.
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!"
She told him earnestly.
"ohh No, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain".
She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
"Oh, my love! My darling! If you give me one more kiss, I’ll be forever yours!"
"Sh*t... thanks for the warning."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
One day a young teen was in a church for the first time and he got a seat net to a not-so-good-looking woman.
The pastor was preaching and he said: "Tell your neighbour how beautiful they are" and the boy stood up and said pastor "How can you expect me to lie in a church?"
What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?
The hippie girl gets stoned before have sex.