Joke #1598

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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Chuck Norris can strike the same lightning twice.
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Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
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Chuck Norris is so awesome, he can dodge rain.
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A man parachuted out of an aeroplane and his chute did not open. As he headed for almost certain death, he saw a man coming up toward him through the air from the ground. As the man zoomed by, the man headed down asked, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The man replied in passing, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"
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Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.
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Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin.
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What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill? A Avalanche.
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There is no such things as a tornado. Just Chuck Norris proving that ballet ain't that hard.
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Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, it better be open when she brings it to you.
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