Joke #1598

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. He forces the air around him to cry and uses it's tears to cool himself.
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How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? A. One - men will screw anything. B. One - men will screw up anything. C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.
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What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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If Men Ruled the World... Laws: Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Car rental agencies would rent tanks. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas. Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
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Yo mama so fat when she burped New Orleans thought Katrina came back to finish the job.
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I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".
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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it
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Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? A: They all get the house.
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