Joke #167

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't told her twice!
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has 33.74 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: women

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A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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has 82.18 % from 681 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, funeral, husband, women
At a Whitehouse party for past presidents. Michelle Obama caught Barron Trump making faces at Sasha. Michelle walked over to reprimand the child and said, "Barron, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Baron looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Obama, you can't say you weren't warned."
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has 47.06 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: kids, mean, political, ugly, women
"Oh, my love! My darling! If you give me one more kiss, I’ll be forever yours!" "Sh*t... thanks for the warning."
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has 82.53 % from 186 votes. More jokes about: love, women
Q: Why are hangovers better than women? A: Hangovers will go away.
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has 48.26 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: women
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly? A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
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has 80.45 % from 130 votes. More jokes about: dirty, life, Santa, women
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, old people, women
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
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has 60.88 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: doctor, military, women
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
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has 67.15 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: fat, insulting, mean, wife, women
Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful? Beautician: Maybe. Does he still drink a lot?
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beauty, husband, women
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
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has 76.99 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: age, car, life, prison, women