Joke #167

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't told her twice!

What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment? Potpourri.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

Girl: "Girls are better than boys." Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?" Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."

My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.

First woman in space: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind." What's the problem? "Nothing." Please tell us. "I'm fine."

If pretty women from the south are southern bells, would that make pretty women from Mexico taco bells?

When Adam asked Eve out for dinner she replied: "Oh I'd love to, but I haven't a thing to wear."

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah.

Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.