Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine! 
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Son: "Dad, I'm cold..."
Dad: "Stand in a corner, they're usually ninety degrees!"
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Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."
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A group of children once said, "Red rover, red rover, send Chuck Norris over."
Those children were the dinosaurs.
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An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?"
Kangaroo: "I can't find my children"
Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?"
Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."
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Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child.
The bed went itself out of fear.
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Panic: When your babysitter calls to ask where you keep the fire extinguisher.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father…
Five minutes later:
"Da-ad…"
"What?"
"I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad…"
"WHAT?"
"I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later:
"Daaad…"
"WHAT?!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.
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