Joke #1812

Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces? Nothing all the good ones are taken.
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Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
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Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
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What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
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On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony. The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
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Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
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The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling." The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."
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Doctor to woman patient: "Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him." Patient: "But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."
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Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."
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