Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
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The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with
pictures of favorite lawyers on them.
The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes?
Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his rear.
A lawyer has just settled down in his new office.
So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Vote:
From tomorrow you are free!
The lawyer informs his client.
Yes, I’m so happy, I have nothing to say, grumbled the prisoner.
I torment myself for 5 years to make a rope ladder, 3 years to rasp the cage bars and you come now with the amnesty ordinance, exactly now when I wanted to break free...
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.
He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.
When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
I don't understand, Cindy complained.
When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me.
Why would they do that?
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.
Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
Answer: His lips begin to move.
Q: How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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