Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?" So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!" The little blind bunny was so pleased with this that he danced with joy. The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?" The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer."
Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’ Lawyer: ‘Absolutely. What’s the other question?’
Q: How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? A: It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"