Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
boy: spell "me" girl: M-E boy: but you forgot the D girl: there's no D in me boy: not yet ;)
"Mommie, Mommie....did you know that nurses can come apart..?" "Well...no. What makes you say that..?" "Because the other night, I overheard Daddy say that he screwed the ass off of a nurse..!"
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A: He heard the snow blower coming.
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!" The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff? A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.” The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”
Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball? You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.” “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”