Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
A: Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself. 
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Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.
Vote:
Hey, you wanna do a 68?
You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.
I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom.
I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.
Good: Your daughter has got a new job.
Bad: As a call girl. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very ugly: She makes more money than you.
Mary and Jane are talking.
Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying.
‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane.
‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary.
‘I got pregnant within two months.’
‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane.
‘It didn’t work for us.’
‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary.
‘You have to go alone.’
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven.
So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.
The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.
Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard."
What do a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They both can smell it, but they can't eat it!