I thought I told you to lose weight.
Says the coach.
What happened to your three week diet that I told you to keep?
Well, I finished it in three days!
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Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl on TV?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.
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I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Peter goes golfing every Saturday.
One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late.
His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had.
We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Peter's wife says, "OMG!
That's terrible!"
Peter says, "I know.
Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."
Dad shouts ..."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!"
Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!
Q: What's the difference between a teabag and england?
A: The teabag stays in the cup longer!
Chuck Norris can won the winter Olympics...
In the summer.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Yo mama so fat when she went swimming, The Japanese harpooned her and took her back to Japan to sell her blubber.
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
A: The big hand touches the little one.
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