Joke #2768

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew it.

Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.

Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

How many Wall Street protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change a thing.

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Kid to a pregnant girl at bus stop: "What are you expecting?" The girl says, "A bus." The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got screwed by a Transformer!"

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? A: Cheez Whuz.

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing. But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.