You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.
You know what that means?
You Matter.
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Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Déja.
Déja who?
Knock knock.
Vote:
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"
Patient: "I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night."
Doctor: "Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Vote:
"Doctor I feel like biscuits!"
"What, you mean those square ones?"
"Yes!"
"The ones you put butter on?"
"Yes!"
"Well, that means you’re crackers!"