You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means? You Matter.
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? The police thought it was a cereal killer.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Knock knock. Who's there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock.
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"
Patient: "I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night." Doctor: "Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
"Doctor I feel like biscuits!" "What, you mean those square ones?" "Yes!" "The ones you put butter on?" "Yes!" "Well, that means you’re crackers!"