I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
A man was strolling along a beach in California. On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle. He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork. Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free. For that, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?" "Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill. Can you think of something that is more practical?" The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?" The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"
What is the best type of ship? FRIENDSHIP!
Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman
T. S. Eliot measured out his life with coffee spoons. Chuck Norris uses a backhoe.
Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable. You in there with mass murderers and everybody. "What you in here for?" "I killed six people. What you in here for?" "Comedy Central."
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful!
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing. But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."