An Irish man walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
A: A beer-a-cuda!
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away.
Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunk)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face.
The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face.
He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home.
He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room.
She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"
The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man.
"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different ****," he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse...
And his favorite drink is punch...
Vote:
Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field.
Halfway across he drops his hat.
He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man:
"Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Boobs" the drunk replied.
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can,
"This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."