Joke #2802

It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.

Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.

Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like... Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

Teeth says to tongue: if I just press a little, you'll get cut. Tongue replies: if i misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out.

Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!" Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!" Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"

Yo mama's feet are so ashy, it looks like she kicks flour for a living.

Q: Why are politicians like diapers? A: Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time. The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop. "10:27" he said. The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man. Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time. The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...