It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
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Life is a car wash … and I’m on a bicycle.
Chuck Norris doesn't buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.
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Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts!
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
"Killed it" is a figure of speech implying someone stopped the banter.
To Chuck Norris that's just the motto of his life.
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If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
Things our family enjoys together without anyone complaining:
1.
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."