Joke #11796

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.
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has 73.53 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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has 85.74 % from 573 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life, science, stupid, wine
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: 1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. 3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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has 77.13 % from 74 votes. More jokes about: bird, friendship, life, winter
John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke." Michael: "Get money from your job." John: "I got fired." Michael: "Why?" John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside." Michael: "This is why we are friends."
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has 65.19 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life, management, money, work
What is the best type of ship? FRIENDSHIP!
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has 53.58 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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has 39.62 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: desert island, friendship, genie, life
*How girls become friends* Omg I love your shoes! *How guys become friends* Excuse me sir, I see you fuck bitches, I myself, also fuck bitches.
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has 70.63 % from 292 votes. More jokes about: dirty, friendship
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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has 73.24 % from 410 votes. More jokes about: desert island, friendship, genie, men
Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.
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has 76.89 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: friendship, health, memory
A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra. Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.
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has 32.05 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: life, sex, teen, viagra
A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass. "Why do you have a cork up your ass?" "Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!"
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has 74.45 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: genie, life