Joke #11703

I couldn't understand why it hurts a lot when you bite your tongue accidentally, but it doesn't hurt when you bite it intentionally, and what I couldn't understand most is why you're biting your tongue right now?!

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital. While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience. She met God and asked him: "Has my time come?" He answered: "No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live." After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, breast enlargement and abdominal fat removal. She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’. She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible. After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her… While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened: "You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?" And he answered: "I didn’t recognize you."

Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.