I couldn't understand why it hurts a lot when you bite your tongue accidentally, but it doesn't hurt when you bite it intentionally, and what I couldn't understand most is why you're biting your tongue right now?!
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Vote:
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
He came fifth and received a toaster.
What is the best type of ship?
FRIENDSHIP!
Vote:
A woman goes to a doctor, doctor, I'm tired of life, want to finish my life, what is best to kill myself?
The doctor says: "Should yourself 5 cm under your breast, you will be dead!"
2 weeks later, woman back at doctors, what happened?
I shot myself into my knee.
The fastest dialog in the world:
(WC door is opening)
Man inside: Heyyy!
Man outside: Sorryyy!
Programming is like sex.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Vote:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions'
Doc, isn't it harmful to drink a shot before eating?
No it's not, if you don't eat too often..