One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news."
Bush replied, "What’s the good news?"
"I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."
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A Gujarati Funeral…
A family in Gujarat got simply puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Puj. Ba) arrived from the US.
It was sent by one of the Daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to all her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben & Varsha,
I am sending Puj. Ba’s dead body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Kadhywad, GUJARAT, India.
Sorry, I could not come, all of my paid leaves got consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, 5 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates, 8 packets of Badam and few items for Kids.
Please divide these among all of you.
Near Ba’s feet, you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons.
Hope the sizes are correct!
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.
The large size is for Mohan and rest you can decide.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist.
Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for.
Please take it.
The few pairs of white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among all the Nephews.
Please distribute all these above items fairly & equally.
Yours loving sister, Anubhavi
P.S.: If anything more needed, let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days…
I weighed myself today.
It is clear I am too small for my weight.
McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains.
The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"
"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.
One day she told him that the next day was her birthday.
He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
We have so many nationalities.
It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there.
It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church.
He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?"
"Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sexual life, wins!"
"Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sex!"
And the boys unanimously: "You won, Father!"