A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."
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What a barman!
When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring.
Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted.
At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal.
You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’
‘Sure,’ says the barman.
‘No hassle.’
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’
‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’
I drink so much alcohol I’m afraid to smoke.