He drank like a fish.
Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy.
One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.
That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement.
I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away.
Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunk)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face.
The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face.
He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home.
He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room.
She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"
The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunk sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
Why did god make beer?
So the Irish would not take over the world.
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks.
This beautiful lady sits down next to him.
He turns to her and says, "hey, how 'bout it. You and me, getting it on.
I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money."
She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.
A man enters the bar and orders a double martini.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "you ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."