Joke #2840

I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
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has 62.91 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: life

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Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives.... "I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.." "Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?" "New York City..."
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has 74.43 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, life
You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '
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has 42.19 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: life
Patient: "May I have a glass of water, doctor." Doctor: "Are you thirsty?" Patient: "No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks."
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has 62.22 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life
A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick. What's it gonna be?' Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.' The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear. 'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.' Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.' The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear. Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'
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has 78.27 % from 743 votes. More jokes about: animal, life, sex
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
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has 27.58 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life, science, time
Q: What did the pencil say to the sharpener? A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.
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has 81.23 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: communication, life
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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has 78.89 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, life, new year, time
Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"
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has 45.82 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: life, stupid, Yo mama
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
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has 76.95 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: age, car, life, prison, women
A: How do children in Baghdad do? A: Bombastically.
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has 28.62 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, kids, life, war