If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex.
But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
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There were four people on a plane.
One of them, the Pilot.
The other was the president of the United States –Obama, The oldest man in the world, and a little boy.
The plane was about to crash and the only option for survival was to jump!
But there were only three parachutes.
The Pilot took a parachute and said, "I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute."
And he jumped off.
Then Obama grabs a and jumps saying, "Since I'm the president, I get one too!"
And he jumps.
The little boy then grabs a parachute and hands it to the old man.
The man declines, saying, "No, boy, take it. I'm too old anyway."
The boy answers, "What? No! Obama took my back-pack!"
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Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
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What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
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My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
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Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common?
A: Both their moms are going to kill them!
Q: How does every black joke start?
A: With the white guy looking over his shoulder.
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What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The dashboard.
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Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.