If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
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One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.
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First cannibal: "I can't find anything to eat!"
Second cannibal: "But the jungle's full of people."
First cannibal: "Yes, but they're all very unsavory."
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What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
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Chuck Norris was hungry so he went to eat a hotdog.
When he saw it giggled and said: "What a bad luck! Look what a part of a dog I've to eat!"
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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.
Too bad he has never cried.
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The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace.
"For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."
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The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
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Q: What happens if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
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Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’?
A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…
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