If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’
‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend.
‘No,’ replies the woman.
‘He wants to be cremated.’
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Q: What was Hitler's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.
Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
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I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, "Thank you. Please come again."
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Don't make 9/11 jokes, my dad died at the twin towers.
The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.
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What's pink and chunky?
A baby with leprosy.
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Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't.
The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"
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Q: What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
A: There are twenty of them.
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Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One scoop of ice cream and Two scoops of dead baby.
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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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