Joke #2847

If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.

I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.

The only church which is disseminating light and warmth is the burning church.

Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."

W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing? A: Everywhere.

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He’s a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, so sad, dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me…" says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired.

What do you call a baby on a stick? A Kebabie.

Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!

Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’