If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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Q: What is the worst thing about a vegetable?
A: Spitting them back up in a wheelchair.
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Two cannibals were having their dinner.
One said to the other "I don't like your friend."
The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
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How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.
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Q: What do you call a 100 lack people in the ocean?
A: An oil spill
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How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
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What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.
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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
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A guy has a bad habit:
He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives.
So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid.
Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch.
They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street.
He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
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Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A: To see her crack.
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