If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep? A: When the big hand touches the small one.
Q: Why are Germans bad cooks? A: The only good one killed himself.
Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender? A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up. He did the tests and waited. After a while, the doctor came in with the results. "Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.." "Doctor..! How much time do I have..?" "Ten..." "Ten what? Months? Years? What?!" "Nine...Eight...Seven..."
What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
An apple and a black person both fall off a tree at the exact same time who hits the ground first? The apple because the rope catches the black person.
A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."