If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
How did they know that the driver had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
Why is there always hot water at childbirth? In case of a stillbirth, soup.
I wish I could see things from your point of view, unfortunately I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
Q: What did the deaf, blind, mute girl get for Christmas? A: Cancer.
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.