Joke #2847

If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.

Q: What's the difference between Auschwitz and Sarajevo? A: At least they had gas in Auschwitz.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead. I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!

Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender? A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.

A large number of Black soldiers died in Iraq war because every time their chief said: "Get on the floor!" they stood up and started dancing.

How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.

Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.