If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
A: It's when the blind try to read your face.
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The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex.
But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
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A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.
The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.
You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange.
Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
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The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
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Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right roasting.
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John Leslie has been accused of raping a disabled black girl on Blue Peter.
He blamed it on dyslexia & said he thought the script said, use sticky black spastic.
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Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.
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Q: What happened to Jesus when he said "Catch me outside, how bout dat"?
A: He got crucified
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Q: How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
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