If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
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A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
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What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
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Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
The last one was called the Hindenburg.
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Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A: Hey y'all... Watch this!
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Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
A: They aren't much to look at but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
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The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
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Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
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A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.
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