Why is there a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...
Vote:
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
What are the three rules for being a plumber?
1. Hot water is always on the left.
2. Shit doesn't flow uphill
3. Never chew your fingernails.
FOUR stages of girl & boy relation!
1. hand in hand.
2. that in hand.
3. hand in that.
4. that in that.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman.
"What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea.
She reads the instuctions and builds the wardrobe.
As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea.
Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I"m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s:
"Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..."
He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
To which the worker replies:
"I"m waiting for the bus!"
Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
Two husbands were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "
A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop.
Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk.
The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop."
The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?"
The little boy again said, "No Bishop."
The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?"
The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."