Why is there a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
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Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking."
Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."
A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge.
"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
Because he couldn't afjord a new one!
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
Vote:
Who was the fastest runner?
Adam.
He was first in the human race.