Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney.
Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day.
That seems like a strange place to put a call center.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts!
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
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A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie.
As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it.
The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie.
The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied.
"He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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