A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife? A: Meet Patty.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A senior Catholic Priest in Kenya was dying in a hospital and for his death wish he asked to see the local MP and the county Governor. Within hours, the two arrived. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and kept quiet. The politicians were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a senior and well respected priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the Governor asked, 'But why did ask for me and Mheshimiwa?' The priest gathered all his strength and held their hands even tighter. Then with his eyes still closed, he mumbled 'Jesus died between two thieves. My only wish is to die the same way.' Minutes later as the silence enveloped the hospital room, the priest took his last breath.
Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Why can't cinderella get in the basketball team? Because she keeps running away from the ball.
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Chuck Norris is the meaning of life. Too bad he's also the meaning of death.