A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.
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Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?
A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
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The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Q:How do crazy people go through the forest?
A:They take the psycho path.
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
A man was drowning and asked God to help him.
A boat came by wanting to help the man.
The man refused and said that God would save him.
The man drowned and went to heaven.
He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
Q: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
A: Cause it got stuck in a crack.
"Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"
"No"
"So, it was you!"