If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?
You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day. 
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A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him.
So he sent her a picture of his top half.
A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half.
Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
Q: Why is a girls pussy like an ocean?
A: It's really wet and has a Sperm Whale in it.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
a lickalotapus.
"Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"
How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.
A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a hooker approaches him.
"Blowjobs for $20 if you're interested".
Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.
He sees one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, what's a blowjob?"
She replies, "$20. Same as in town".
I'll have you saying, "My compliments to the chef" in no time!
Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A: Cucumber, dirty people.