Theres this girl,she is five.
She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend and she says,"you mother fucking asshole!"
Just then jill, thats the little girl,interrupts them talking and blurts out, "Big Sis,what does asshole mean?
The girl surprised by the question,says BOYFRIEND!
Okay , so the girl runs off onto the bathroom.
Jill sneaks up on her dad while he was shaving and says boo!
THE dad says "Shit!"
So the girl ask her dad "What does shit mean?"
And he stammers "Shaving cream".
So she said okay and went about her day.
Jill then runs into her mom, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey.
Her mom is startled when Jill comes in, cuts her hand, and says "Fuck!".
So Jill ask "What does fuck mean momma?"
And scramblimg for an answer, her mom says "cutting."
All of the sudden, they hear the door.
Jill answers and sees her Dads boss at the door.
He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is at?"
And she says, "Well, my sister’s talking to her asshole, my Moms fucking the turkey and my Dads wiping the shit off his face."
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Two friends talk:
"Hi, what are you doing?"
"Not much, writing a Valentine's Day greeting card."
"Why are you writing it with your left hand? Are you left-handed?"
"No, I just can't let my right hand to see it. It's a surprise for it."
Vote:
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs:
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Wallnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chest nuts
Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: A penis in your mouth
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.
Once a blonde wanted to go to her boyfriend's home.
Her mom advised her: "My sweet whenever your boy friend wanted to touch your pants tell him there is a hot oven so your hand will burn."
Next day her mom asked her daughter: "Had you a good day?"
The blonde answered: "It was the best day in my life because when my boyfriend touched my pants I told him: 'There is a hot oven and your hand would damage!' But he urged me that I've one hot dog and I wanna to cook it for several times he put his hot dog in my pants and then he put it in my mouth for confident whether it has been cooked or not."
I think I just evolved into Homo Erectus.
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans.
Sure enough, he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish.
He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, woven into the very fabric of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"Okay", the guy says. "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blowjob I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading - just because she likes it, because she wants to, and because it turns her on."
The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again!
A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sex education class.
She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female.
"The female has two breasts and one vagina. The male has one penis."
A little boy in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.
"My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"
Q: What did the nut say to the bolt?
A: Screw me.