Joke #2981

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

He used to drink so much, Gordon’s thought he was a wholesaler.

George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true. "I want to pee whiskey," he says. “But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want." "No I want to pee whiskey." The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true. George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses." Curious she was, she brings them. "What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks." From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her. And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey. They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game. The other night the same happen. "Woman, bring two glasses and nuts." So they spend their evenings. One night, however, the scene changed. "Woman, bring nuts and a cup." "A, for one?" "You will drink from the bottle today."

A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet A: A Budweiser in each hand!

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar. “This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him. “Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.” “Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.” “Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy. “Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.” “No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs. “Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window. “See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says. “Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts. “It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window. “Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says. “Well, what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50…60…70…80…90… 100 feet and splat — he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. "I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue. "Of course!" the 1st guy exclaims, "here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too." Their exchange continues: 1st: "Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?" 2nd: "St. Catherine Street. And you?" 1st: "St. Catherine Street, same as you!" 2nd: "Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?" 1st: "St. Jospeh's Boy's Academy." 2nd: "Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe's too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!" This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?" The bartender shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."