Joke #311

If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be? Out for the count!
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Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there’s one." "No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s big enough." "No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad, let’s eat her." "No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we’re going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."
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Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a pin? It was OK. It was a safety pin.
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It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having. I just got to get some people behind me, right? I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.
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Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
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The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real. It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
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He was so ugly when he was born they didn’t know whether to buy a cot or a cage.
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
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Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster? A: Hello, hello.
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John: How old are you? Peter: Hmmm..I'm 7 John: You know what, when I was your age, I was also 7.
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A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
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