What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? A drunk goes to work.
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A neutron walks into the hotel bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern. The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink." The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.." The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !". The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee...that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?" "No..." said the Pollack, "...but my sister has ..."
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
He’s donating his body to science. And he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
He doesn’t like to drink. It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’ The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris! Someone to see you!’