One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.
She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE.
You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK.
You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replied: “I’m a WIFE.
You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
A woman went to doctors office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Mum: "How would you describe me?"
Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK"
Mum: "What does that mean?"
Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent."
Mum: "What about JK?"
Dad: "Just Kidding."
Vote:
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
Q: What do women and cats have in common?
A: Pussy farts.
Miss DeAngelo was a not-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.
She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.
When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the ‘other woman’ in her husband’s life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, "but I couldn’t help it."
"Couldn’t help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How’s that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me."
"Exactly what do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."
Q: What happens if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
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I've got a new anorexic girlfriend.
Its not going too well though.
I'm just seeing less and less of her ...