What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00."
A pregnant lady learns from her dentist that she needs a root canal.
She says to the dentist, "darn ... I'd just as soon give birth as have a root canal".
The dentist replies, "well, make up your mind so I know what position to put the chair in".
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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
I like my women how I like my laptop.
Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.
Two boys go into a forest and walk around.
Suddenly they see a naked women, then one of the boys run away.
The other chases after him. The boy asked "Why did u run away?"
The other said "My mom told me if i saw a naked women i'd turn to stone, i already felt something getting getting hard."
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street.
The driver rush to the scene.
He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman.
She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"
"But..." stammers the driver.
"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn"t take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander. "Du it agin, now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours.
The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander.
"I can"t do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
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