What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.
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We're watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said "now she's a mom."
My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds.
I gave her a scale.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert.
"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.
I like my women like my morning coffee, falling off the roof of my car as I peel out of a gas station parking lot.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Pal: "My advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it!"
Me: "Guess how many buses it took me to get here."
A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant.
A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster.
After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.
The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples.
The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."