Why is it called PMS? — Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.
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Q: What happens if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
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Q: What was the first word out of Adam's mouth when he first saw Eve?
A: Whoa man! Thus, the word "woman" was created.
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If God is a woman then we're all going to go to Hell, but we'll never know why.
A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.
She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, "Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?"
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them.
She says, "You sure he isn’t here?"
The bartender mumbles through her fingers, "Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?"
The woman then says, "Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!"
At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?
Beautician: Maybe.
Does he still drink a lot?
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
5 year old daughter: "Mom, why is some of your hair white?"
Me: *smiles* "Every time you make me sad, another hair turns white."
Daughter: *wide eyes* "Wow mom, what did you do to grandma?"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there?
I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."