Why is it called PMS? — Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."
A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.
The boots are sucked right in.
He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.
He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in.
Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
Three women were sitting in a bar, (a brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have."
The other to asked how.
She replied, "well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy".
The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."
Vote:
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Um, Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Vote:
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss.
Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?"
Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my dick on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night.
So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says"bubba, is that you?"
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE."
It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York.
So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE."
The policeman arrested her on the spot.
A chubbier woman: "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Mirror: "Kindly move aside. I can't see anything."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."