Joke #3225

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks. "A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied. "Can you describe what they looked like?" "I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer. The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer. "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "I can't do that either, officer." The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?" "Because I'm dead drunk."

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer. “I’m going to a lecture.” the man said. “And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked. “My wife.” said the man.

Two blondes were running from the cops as they had just been caught sneeking over the border into Mexico. They dashed up to a fence and climbed over it, lights and sirens running behind them. As they arrived on the other side, they came face to face with a long river. One blonde said to the other. "Here I'll shine this flashlight over the water and you can walk accross the beam of light." The other said: "What do you think I am, stupid!? I'll get halfway accross and you'll turn it off!"

The cops pulled Chuck Norris over for going 55 miles per hour on the freeway. But since he wasn't in a car, they had to give him a ticket for jaywalking.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say? The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license." The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there. The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25." Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?" "Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."