A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub.
The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
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A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"
A rabbi and a priest crash into each other at a four-way junction.
They both get out of their cars and look at the wreck.
They both thank God they are OK, and the priest says, ‘This must be a sign that God wanted us to meet.’
The rabbi says, ‘Yes, indeed, let’s drink.’
So the rabbi gets out some wine.
They toast each other and the priest drinks his glass.
But the rabbi doesn’t take a taste of his drink.
Priest: ‘Why aren’t you drinking?’
Rabbi: ‘I’m waiting for the police.’
A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
“Mister,” the patrolman said to the driver, “I think the best way to charge you is ‘hauling wood without a truck.’”
A frail little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."
One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone PISSING on his Ferrari.
"Hey," says the man. "Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?"
"Because I feel like it."
"Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari."
"Whatever."
So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour.
Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.
"I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?"
"It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."
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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A sargeant bawled out a rookie.
"Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?"
"Yep," the rookie answered.
"I think he must have left by one of the entrances!