Joke #3235

The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness. "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander. "I certainly did." "And?" "And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"
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Things not to Say to the Cop Who Pulls You Over 10. Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time. 9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light. 8. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy? 7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers. 6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again. 5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes. 4. You're not going to search my trunk are you? 3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration? 2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven. 1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?
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Two police officers stopped a guy for speeding on the province highway in Mississauga, Ontario. As they were writing up the ticket, one oficer turned to the other and said: "How do you spell Mississauga?" The other one replied: "I don't know." So the first one said: "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong, it will get dismissed." The second oficer said: "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Toronto?"
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A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles. A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."
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Another Groaner Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
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The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
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10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested. 8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar. 7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot. 6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop". 5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat. 4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers. 3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids. 2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel. 1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
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A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding. The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!" The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!" The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady." The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law. The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt. The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt." Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up". Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?" "ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK," the wife states.
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A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?” “No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”
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