Joke #3428

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." "What are the three tests?" asks the man "Gotta pay first." So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar. "OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." "Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!" The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs. He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body. "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

A Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Bangladeshi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." Sardarji, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi. He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny. Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow." Doctor starts and woman begins to moan. Doctor gets faster and harder. Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?" Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."

What do you call an alcoholic dog? A whino!

Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.

A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"