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2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have.
The first one says he'll have H2O.
The second one said he'll have H2O too.
The second one died.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey?
A: Because it makes him mean!
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
The manager of the liquor store gets a phone call at 8 pm.
"At what time do you open tomorrow?" asked the caller.
"At nine," he answered. The phone rings at midnight
"What time do you open ... in the morning?" "At nine".
The phone rings at 4 in the morning "Whatt tim do ya openn in the mornin?"
"I told you before at nine".
"Imm just inn aa hury cause i got locked in tha stor las nite."
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
"Tom what’s going on?" Mark asked.
"It’s my wife Beckie,"
Tom replied. "She ran off with my best friend!"
"Hey wait a second!" Said Mark.
"Aren’t I your best friend?"
"Not any more," Tom said with a happy smile. "He is!"
How do barmen surf the web?
On the Gin-ternet.
Vote:
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye."
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."