A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
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If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him.
He's the one shaving you."
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child.
The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?
simple
it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.
It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"