Joke #3440

A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: "So, how do I look?" "Well, at least you tried..."

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid." The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'" Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk." The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"

Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards. If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

Waiter: "How do you like your steak, sir?" Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife." Waiter: "Rare it is."