A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer.
A man passes and asks him what the matter is.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk.
‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.”
“That I married you only for your money.”
Losing a wife can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house.
Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name.
The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this.
"Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!"
She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
Wife:"There's trouble with car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband:"Water in a carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife:"I tell you the cas has water in the carburetor."
Husband:"You don't even know what a carburetor is.I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife:"In the pool."