A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer.
A man passes and asks him what the matter is.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk.
‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’
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A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body.
The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her.
Doctor tells in surprise: "I thought your husband was out of town."
"So did I..."
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
"The first ten years are the hardest."
"How long have you been married?" she asked.
"Ten years", he replied.
Doctor to woman patient: "Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him."
Patient: "But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."
Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale.
It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"