Joke #3543

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky? needed a stiff drink.

Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him. The guy asks, "What's in the box?" The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad." The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?" The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later. "That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me." The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door. "Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands. "South American Blow Job Toad." "So?" asks the wife. "So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There's clearly room for more wine.