Joke #4350

I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, "Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink." The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, "Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink." After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" To which, the drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina."

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours." Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold. Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps. Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft. On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish. The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And their wish came true. After they swam and drank in the sea of beer, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to pee in the boat!"

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: "we have arrived". The first man gave him money. The second one thanked the taxi driver. The third one slapped him (the taxi driver). The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: "what was that for?". The drunken man replied: "control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".