I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says "I want you to see this."
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad.
Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.
Q. How many night club bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”, because there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”anisms.
Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.
Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.
His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing.
His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
The manager of the liquor store gets a phone call at 8 pm.
"At what time do you open tomorrow?" asked the caller.
"At nine," he answered. The phone rings at midnight
"What time do you open ... in the morning?" "At nine".
The phone rings at 4 in the morning "Whatt tim do ya openn in the mornin?"
"I told you before at nine".
"Imm just inn aa hury cause i got locked in tha stor las nite."