A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
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The old woman comes to a gynecologist.
He inspects her and says with the
surprice:
An old woman, you're pregnant!
How did you managed at your age...?
Oh, those teens.
They always asks to tell them everything, then show and give to try...
Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?
A: Divorced.
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
The fastest dialog in the world:
(WC door is opening)
Man inside: Heyyy!
Man outside: Sorryyy!
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it!
You never know when you might need a nail.
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Mom can i buy some heels?
No.
Mom can i buy a bra?
No.
Mom can i buy a dress?
No.
Mom can i buy a barbie doll?
No. You never let me buy anything!
Shut up, Justin.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Vote:
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"