So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?".
The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
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About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse...
And his favorite drink is punch...
Vote:
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day a gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities.
He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.
Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office.
He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"
You want to come in my life, the door is open.
You want to get out of my life, the door is open.
Just one request.
Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.
-How is Ruth?
-Not sure. I broke up with her last month.
-Oh no. You're so Ruthless.
-And how long have you been waiting to use that?
-I'd rather not say.
Chuck Norris is not cool.
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco...
Vote:
The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen.
While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.
The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.
As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.
Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
"That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"