A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.
Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart.
Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents.
So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it".
The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink.
On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.
When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.
When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?".
And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
Let me insert my plug into your socket and we can generate some electricity.
If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?
Did you hear about the new contraceptive pill for men?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
Little Johnny, "Why are you so fat?"
Little Billy, "Cause Every time I fuck ur mom she gives me a doughnut."
There are three types of sex in a marriage.
The first one is Kitchen Sex.
This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sex is Hallway Sex.
This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you."
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it, but can't eat it.
Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday.
If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.
The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next mornning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening.
Finally, one day this guy comes along.
The king puts the green glitter on his daughters private part, and the next mornning checks the guys privates and there was no green glitter.
The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughters hand in marriage.
The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.