Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession.
At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people.
Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is this?
The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”
Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”
He answers, “This is the dog that killed her!”
So Tom asks, “can I borrow the dog for an hour?”
He responds, “Get on line!”
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?
A: The feather forecast!
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
Q. Why don't lions eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.
Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."
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