What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon.
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship.
His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying "Big deal, the cards up his sleeve." or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!"
One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot.
For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas.
Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed ‘"kay, I give up… where the hell did you put the god damned boat!"
Why did the bareback performer ride his horse?
Because it got too heavy to carry.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tadpole and turned it into a frog, then he kicked it again and it died.
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How do you know when a crab is drunk?
It walks forwards.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because the spots where all over.
What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab.
What do you call an affectionate rabbit?
A tender, loving hare.
When does a female deer need money?
When she doesnt have a buck.