I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
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There was a man who had at least four to five drinks of whisky every day of his adult life.
When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer...and a mop.
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road.
Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
How do you caculate the population of Russia?
You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.
A drunk goes to court.
The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’
The drunk says, ‘Great.
Let’s get started.’