A stewardess approaches a passenger on a flight.
‘Would you care for an orange juice, sir?’
The passenger replies, ‘Sure, if it needed me.’
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What's a difference between a blond and a mosquito?
once you smack a mosquito it stops sucking
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours.
They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment.
Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Q: What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?
A: Gimme a slug of whiskey.
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft.
On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish.
The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of beer."
And their wish came true.
After they swam and drank in the sea of beer, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to pee in the boat!"
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."