I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters.
The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever!
I woke up late for work.
On my way to work, I got in an accident.
When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me.
To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day!
It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend.
"You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man.
‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman.
‘My wife,’ replies the man.
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home.
when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face.
so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'