I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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"Where does the Colonel keep his armies?"
"Up his sleevies!"
A private was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
‘You can take your choice, Private – one month’s restriction or twenty days’ pay,’ said the officer.
‘All right, sir,’ said the bright soldier, ‘I’ll take the money.’
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers:
"We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base.
Out comes a platoon of black GIs.
The schoolmistress is quite distressed.
"Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.
"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia.
The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people.
There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected.
The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can.
After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.
The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?"
Then the soldier says "NO, SIR."
The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap.
After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers,
"DID THAT HURT?"
The soldier responds, "NO, SIR."
And the colonel says "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the third squad leader.
He notices that there is an erection between his legs.
The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it.
The man barely makes a sound.
The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?"
And the soldier says "NO, SIR."
Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECASUE IT WAS HIS."
Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris once joined the Army.
That's how the motto, "An Army of One" was created.
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Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....